So, I sort of had a little breakdown today. I think I was so intent on keeping myself happy these past few months that I was ignoring my feelings regarding everything else. So it all exploded tonight and I called my mom crying. I'm going to miss the old house so much, and I miss Sebastian beyond belief. I also admitted to spending all the money that was supposed to be for Christmas presents on myself. I think I have a serious problem with spending money. I should try and save instead of spending it at a faster rate that what I make.

Otherwise, classes have been going pretty well. I should probably spend more time on homework than I do, but I'm still doing fine. And remember that kid I used to like? Is it odd that I think he's one of the most annoying people in my classes? That's a shame.

I also saw New Moon this afternoon with Steph and Jen. It was AMAZING. I LOVED it. It stayed very true to the book, but I won't say anything else in case you don't know the plot (but if you don't then you really should!).

I'm even more of a loser.

I'm such a loser.

Yes, I'm going to spam all my personal web pages with my ravings about this movie.

I've watched the movie four times in four days. Yes, I am obsessed.

I also watched Twilight after I watched TYV tonight (I watched both of them with Jen!). It was just as good as it always is. :D

I have this twitch on the side of my nose, and it's really annoying, too.

Anyway, TYV is coming out to limited theaters on December 19th. GO SEE IT. I WILL GO WITH ANYONE WHO WANTS TO GO!!!

P.S. The guy who plays Prince Albert in TYV is Mr. Whickham in the Keira Knightley version of Pride and Prejudice.

P.P.S I love you all <3

John Singer Sargent repaint in digital.

Watch this space for further updates!

I don't like him anymore.

I'd like to dedicate this entry to Phoenix, who died last night after I changed his water.


I really hope something isn't wrong with the water here, I still have Honey to worry about.

I've talked to some (one) of you that I like somebody here at MICA, or you're one of the people who just figured it out. I've been trying hard - really hard - to get more connected with him. Either he's just super shy or he really isn't interested in me as anything more than a friend. On Tuesday night I asked if I could walk back home with him, because I don't feel comfortable walking most of the way home by myself. He seemed fine with it, but we were joined by another friend in the class (which I am fine with). On Friday we were talking about how his roommates don't like to do anything fun, and I sent him a message on Facebook saying that if he ever wanted to do something and nobody else was around, I would be willing to go with him, In response, he gave me his phone number with a "Sounds good". I wrote back with my IM address, saying that I hated phone calls. I realized later that I forgot to put my phone number in the message as an alternate means of contacting me, but I got no response. But he sits next to me in every class we have together, and often stands near me in demonstrations of technique. I'm just utterly confused.

Other than that, things are going well. I'm still having a little trouble with time management, but I'm working through it. I guess that's it for now... I think I'm going to get a chicken pot pie now :)

I hate my work ethic. Even though I've been doing more than last year, I still feel as though my work is sub-par. Every single one of my projects so far has been either mediocre or just unsatisfactory compared to other people in the class. I'm not even happy with the work that I produce.

The project that I'm working on now went from ok to bad to awful to disastrous. The more I work on it the more I hate it. I can't get it right, and I'm scared of what my critique will be for two reasons: 1) The technical skill of it is just terrible, and 2) I didn't work from observation enough.

I'm so upset right now, and I don't understand why I rush through my work, even when I don't have to hurry. I think it's because I have all the other assignments that are due in the back of my mind, and I want to stop worrying. So what do I do? I go on the computer. I'm such a slacker, and I want to stop being like that. I need to find the motivation to do this stuff. Maybe if the working space that I had was easier to set up, then I wouldn't hate being smushed in that room.  I know I'm the only one who can change my worth ethic. So I guess I should start that.

FEER IT.

So far things are going swimmingly. I'm really happy about my apartment, and Jen, Steph, and I are getting along great! I love having my hamster and two fish down here. I'm a little nervous about when classes start, but I'm pretty sure I'll do fine.

In comparison to a year ago, I feel much happier, freer, and less stressed and anxious. I think this has a lot to do about not having Wes anymore. If you'd have told me last year I would say this in the future, I wouldn't believe you; I really think I'm doing a lot better off without him. He really wasn't good for me, and I think that his actions right before and for some time after we broke up say a lot about him. He's immature and a hypocrite, and really didn't treat me the way I deserve to be treated.

I thought that I wouldn't be able to get over him completely until I found someone new, but I'm learning that I don't need a boy in my life to make me happy. I'm the happiest I've ever been without being love-drunk.

I do have some goals now that I'm back at MICA. I'll put them in a list...

1. Lose weight
    a. Don't eat so much (not in effect as of yet)
    b. Walk at a brisk pace at least 8 blocks a day (in effect)

2. Meet more people
   a. I'm trying to be more outgoing, and I will test this out once classes start on Monday
   b. Follow up on plans made with people (study groups, trips to the mall, or just hanging out
   c. Although they are not new people, I have been going out with Stephanie and Jen a lot on errands and such; I refuse to be a recluse all the time this year

3. Join a club
   a. I plan on joining the  Video Game Club, if I can find where they meet and where it's located at)
   b. Stephanie said she'd join with me, so I wouldn't be completely alone

4. Stay on top of things
   a. School work (once classes start)
   b Keep my room/apartment clean (so far this is going well; I've been making my bed every day and putting clothes into the hamper bag)
   c. Keep fish and muzzy clean

5. Make sure I take my meds every day (doing well so far)

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Good song :)

So, as Audgie has requested: the story of the mall and a really scary man who tried to do lord knows what to me.

I was in Forest Lake Mall in Maryland, which is near Bethezda. My dad was at a meeting so he dropped me off there to shop and keep me quiet :)
So after I ate something in the cafeteria (at this point I was almost done shopping and my dad wasn't close to being done with his meeting yet, so I was killing time), I was just sitting at the table looking at one of the TVs which were playing music videos. All of a sudden this tall, black, Jamaican man who was on his cell phone comes up to me; here was the conversation that followed:

Him: (Hangs up phone) "Can I sit down here?"
Me*: "Sure, go ahead"
Him: "What's your name?
Me: (Stands up and pushes in chair) "Oh, I have to go, sorry. My dad's picking me up"
Him: (Stands up as well) "Did I scare you?"
Me: "No, I just have to go. My dad is here"
Him: "What if I want to talk to you again? Can't we just sit down and talk?"
Me: "I'm sorry, I have to go"
Him: "Where do you live?"
Me: "New Jersey. I have to go, sorry."
Him**: "Wait, why don't you take a walk with me in the park"
Me: "No, I have to go now."
Him: "Can I have your number?"
Me: "No."
Him: "Why not?"
Me***: "I don't give my number to people. Goodbye."

So I left, and before I did noticed that he took off very quickly to go outside. For the next hour and a half I hid under a staircase where there was a sitting area. Then dad came and picked me up.



* I though he had asked "Can I take this chair". His accent was hard to follow at points in the conversation
** There were no parks even remotely close by.
*** I had meant to say "strangers", but I was so nervous and scared that I couldn't speak straight.

This is a bit of a book report of Tam Lin by Pamela Dean. I found the novel to be well written; however, it had absolutely no resemblance of a fantasy until about page 400, the very end of the book. There were way too many references to other literature, such as Shakespeare and various poets, like Keats. I would estimate that about half of the book was quoting other famous poems or plays. The ending of the novel, however, was very satisfactory and lovely. It wouldn't be a book that I would read again for at least a few years, but it kept me entertained, for the most part.

Now, on to a bit about real life. I've started a class at Hunterdon Art Museum; Figure and Portrait Painting. I feel like I did absolutely terrible in the first class. I butchered the poor man in my painting, and the drawings weren't much better. The class is made up of mostly adults, with me and another girl (perhaps a bit younger than myself) as an addition. I know the other people have had more experience than me, most likely, but I'm awfully dreadful at painting humans.

On the last note; I have officially listened to Taylor Swift's "Love Story" 700 times :)

EDIT: I've finished the portrait!

Critiques are appreciated, this is a rough sketch. I plan on painting it digitally. Kudos to you if you can guess who it is.





Edit: Fixed up the face...

Edit 2: The color on the internet sucks. It looks so much better in photoshop D:



Edit 3:




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Edit 5:

OH MY GOD! THEY GOT MARRIED! I LOVE IT! BEST PART OF THE WHOLE SAGA EVERRRRRRR!!!

*cough* Ok, I'm normal now :)

So, I've taken up reading again! So far I've read two books called Wicked Lovely and its sequel Fragile Eternity. I highly suggest reading both of them. They're both about Faeries, and it's quite a compelling read, if I do say so myself. I am now onto New Moon (yay Twilight!) and I'm dreading the third (or fourth? I forget) chapter. Andrea will know why. :(

Anyway, I'm happy that I've found the motivation to do something else, especially since I used to love reading so much. It's like a long lost friend I've been acquainted with again. 

I'm pretty excited to go back to MICA, though I am a tad scared that I'll go back to my usual procrastinating ways. Hopefully, though, I've learned my lesson and won't be like that anymore.

Yay MICA! I miss it!

Sebastian was put down today. He died after they knocked him out, they didn't even have to give him the IV needle that would have killed him. I love you so much, Sman. I don't know how we're going to get through everything without you.

I gave him everything. EVERYTHING that I had. My dignity, my body, my emotions, my heart. He took it all and then pushed it in the dust, burned what was left of it, and insulted me.

How am I the one that was selfish? Didn't I give him everything he asked for? Didn't I sacrifice my morals for his pleasure? He told me he wanted to stay with me, and I foolishly believed him. I told him how much giving myself up meant to me, and he just went along saying that he was different, he was going to be there for me, he loved me. Yet I found out after all that time, he never had any of the intentions we had talked about. He lied to my face. So how is it that I'm self centered? How DARE he call me that when I gave him SO MUCH. He's a worthless piece of shit and I still care about him. It's something he doesn't deserve in the slightest, yet I still give him the time of my thoughts. I told him not to talk to me ever again, but at the same time I still want him to reach out to me. Why is this bothering me again? Why do I give this low life power over my emotions? Can't I just let it go? I'm so mad at myself all the time. I hate him and I love him, and I wish what we had was real for him, like it was for me.

Why am I so upset all the time? I don't understand why this bothers me so much. I wish I could just let go already. I'm sure everyone is tired of hearing this. You don't have to respond, I just wanted to vent.

It's a strange feeling, knowing that the first person you really, truly loved doesn't care about you anymore. It makes you feel like you're a bad person... after all, you must be, if he doesn't care anymore, right? You must've done something wrong... something horrid, to deserve the pain you feel when this happens. But it doesn't work that way, not always. Maybe he's the one who did something wrong, and maybe that's why you hurt so much. You hurt because he left you... and because of what he did to you before he left. For ever action there is an equal and opposite reaction; that's a law of physics. But it's not a law of people, emotions, or feelings. Sometimes you just want to give up. But that tiny little light of hope in the corner of your brain tells you things will be alright again. And it's that same light of hope that will make you believe in the same fairy tales, the same dreams, and have the same ignorance that you had before. That little light will be your next downfall, and the next, and the next, until you find that person who actually wants to be with you forever. But what if, by that point, you don't have that light left? Maybe you won't want to be bothered anymore. Or maybe you'll be so hardened by the countless times the light has let you down, that you don't believe in forever love? What happens then?

Right now I still have that litle light. But with the abandonment that's been happening... Well, I don't know how much longer it will last.